Thinking....

What do I do to get your attentionWhat do I do to get this throughNot the cool kids cliqueNot the cool fake hitsWhat do I do to break this silenceWhat do I do to make the noiseYou prefer to hear demand to hear I'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingLike an atom bombLike a mushroom cloudWhat do I do to get your attentionWhat do I do to get this throughMobs of idiots do what you're told to doGet away from superstitionGet away from boogiemenIn the dark night skyIn the dark cornerI'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingI'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingLike an atom bombLike a mushroom cloud

Lay me in the rocks and the riverbed that my savior made for us.

So I am living in a frat house in downtown minneapolis in the dinkytown area. Haha. Last night I woke up to this guy screaming drunk as fuck calling all his friends faggots and that he was gonna kill them and shit. It was really really different. Not what you would expect. I mean its just strange I guess that my life has ended up where I am. I live in downtown mpls in a little bitty room, but hey at least i have free cable and internet. It isn't that bad so far. I mean its just what you would see out of a movie. nothing really un-expecting. But the good advantage of being there is it buys me two months to find another place to go. I didn't have to put a deposit down, I didn't have to sign a lease, plus it was the cheapest place I have found since I have been here. Just $ 250 a month, so that isn't that bad. I mean I am still really worried about money, but a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders with this. I thought that yesterday I would either have to pay 500 dollars a month plus a deposit or live in the ghetto's of north mpls for 350 a month. But yeah other than that, I hope that I don't jinx myself, but things like that just might be alright. I just really really need to find a job, I have me and others to take care of. I really want to be able to do those things, cause i feel like i would be taken care of as well. But that is all for now. I guess for once I am trying to be optimistic, shocking I know. Haha.

Ok, so here we go. Things that are going on with me right now. I am really truly being tested right now. I feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel that I am not good enough for anything or anyone. I don't know what it is I have to do. I know that everyone solely puts the blame on me for all these thigns happening. I think that it is quite un-fair. I know that I have to take the back seat. I know that everyone seems to be caring and understanding of everyone but my own "feelings." It is like my opinion doesn't matter at all. My feelings doesn't matter at all. What I am going through isn't hard at all. It is like I am keeping her away from things that I am not doing whatsoever. It is such bullshit. I am really really mad at the thought of everyone thinking that I am keeping her away. I know that it may seem like that. but that is far from the fucking truth. I know that I am being tested mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I know that it seems like my small white world is caving in on me. I am scared. I am fucking scared to death.. All I want is someone to talk to that wants to get to know me and be my friend, not out of obligation, but out of liking me. I say this because I am always put in situations with new people to where I only would meet because of prior obligation. They are nice people, but I dont think that they really care if i was here or not. I want my friends. I want my friends or some fucking new friends again to where I would have people to spend my time with. I enjoy spending time with Abby alot. but I think it look slike I am just clingy, when that isn't the case at all. I don't know anyone, I don't know where I am, I am not going anywhere to meet anyone, just seems like a rollercoaster ride filled with no scenery. I keep going up and down but going no where really fucking fast. I also think that if anything, it would just be nice to actually get have people that would want to know me, for me. Not because I am dating you. I think that it is great that everyone takes initiative that are your friends to get to know me, but it isn't like I am getting any phone calls or even you getting phone calls for that matter because of me. They think that I am either keeping you from it, or you wouldn't want to or i wouldn't want to, because I am some big asshole. I am tired of being labeled.