watching life dissappear

I was sitting alone today by myself and I started to think,Man it is so hard to believe how much is changing around me.. I don't know the fact that they have tore everything around me. I think of how in what little bit has changed. I hate to think of how our environment is changed in so little time. I mean we are losing everything around us. I noticed how many trees are gone and how many animals, bugs and so on have dissappeared. I know when I was a kid I see fireflies everywhere. Now adays I guess I havent seen one in a long time. I remember that it was no big deal to see deer, foxes, raccoons, etc and now you dont see any of that. We are taking so much life away by tearing down trees and building new roads, and houses and so on. I know that I think it is pathetic really how much no one cares. WE are just sitting around watching everything dissappear. WE are losing alot of life, we are killing ourselves to in the process. I know what I will always remember as being normal in my lifetime will probably seem very strange to people growing up today. I woudl like to do something important in my life where I am helping not only myself, but everyone else. To think that if we all took a little time out of our day to clean, recycle, etc we cuold so much down. We are wasting all of our resources. WE are fucking everything up that makes this place so great. I would like to be able to plant and grow every kind of plant to where we can still hopefully save thigns before it is too late. That goes for all the animals, bugs, insects, etc. I know I am not perfect, I know that I have alot of work to do, but I think I should certainly start caring alot more. It just makes me sad to see all of th ese t hings that I have taken for granted my whole life dissappear. To think how it will be ten yeras from now is really scary if we dont try to do something about it now. Anyway, yeah I don't know just feel like thinking about something else other than the norm for the day. I want to really just start noticing the things that I am doing and how they are affecting things.

If you all do not realize this. I am in so much pain.

well lets see I am sorry for ever arguing. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I am sorry that I never tried to make you oopen up more.. I am really sorry for ruining your life. I love you, I really thought that I would get to marry you one day. I was serious about everything. The thought of being with you forever and always sounds perfect. I know when we first met I was supposed to be with you for the rest of my life. I love your wittiness, creativity, beauty, and so much more. I like how you can hold me and comfort me when I am having a bad day. I loved the fact that I knew I would always have you to rely on and I took you for granted. I should have done alot of things different. I shouldn't have been so hard and negative. I should have realized that you werent being the way you wanted to be. I know you think that I have nothihng to say, but I will always have plenty of things to say to you about how much I love you. I love your voice. I love the way you sing, it puts me at ease thinking aobut. I will always remember the first time you ever sang to me and I was in complete aww of your beauty. You amaze me, you have so many things to do and you are more and more of an inspiration. I wish that I could go back and fix things. I wish that I could just take b ack the way I acted at first. The way I was so scared. I didn't know what else to do, perhaps. Maybe, I was worried about being myself. I don't know like I wouldn't be very interesting I gueses that with all the things that Iyou had done and I guess that maybe I wanted to be all that and more. You know I would really have liked to have traveled like we had planned. I think that would be beautiful. just you and me together hand and hand. I can't get over all these things I did wrong. I know now I don't have a chance to change it. You really made me want to be a better person. You inspired me to do better and to care about someone other than myself. I think of you and I smile. Well at this point I am crying because I miss you and love you so much. I just wish that this wouldn'tb e the end.. I wish... Does it really have to be? I know that I can and will make you very happy. but I guess you will never know. I will always love you. Bye

I just tried to write a blog and deleted
it all and it was going so well. fucking shit.

hey! I haven't written in a while

well it appears as if I haven't wrote in a while. So i thought I would. I am not gonna get to home for christmas now. Abby lost her job so now I am the only one with a job making any money at all, so in order to have enough money to live, and pay rent I am gonna not go home. It sucks to be quite honest, my friends and family I miss alot I was looking forward to seeing them. Here it isn't very often I see anyone I know or who really is all t hat interested that I am even around. I kknow that my friends and my family were telling me how excited they were that I was gonna be comng home. I haven't seen them in ten months. It is sometimes I forget that I even have people that care about me. I am not being negative I am just sayng that to have people really truly know you and enjoy your company is different. I just would like to see my friends hang out and get drunk and listen to music and just laugh. I would like to see my family and just do whatever. Iwould like to see my nephew elijah cause he is almost 3 now. I don't want to go home for good, or otherwise I would have never left there. But damn it would be nice to be able to see everyone. My family has me gifts for xmas too. that was nice i thought because iwas coming in. I just really don't know how things will be financially with me just making money. I know that if I go that will be a whole week without me making any money at all and rent is due while we are gone. so i guess i will just stay.. so me and abby will have a place to live. i hate growing up. I also find out tomorrow or the next if i will be transferred to a new radioshack getting more hours fulltime. so hopefully I get it, that would be really helpful. Oh yeah, I had to buy a new battery today for the car because I jumped the last one and it was fucked. so it just seems for goddamn sure that when it rains it pours. It is christmas time and etc etc etc. so much for thinking that things were gonna be ok.

slow motion

Ms. jones taught me english, but I think I just shot her son
Cause he owed me money, with a bullet in the chest you cannot run
Now hes bleeding in a vacant lot
The one in the summer where we used to smoke pot
I guess I didnt mean it
But man you shoulda seen it
His flesh explode

Slow motion
See me let go
We tend to die young
Slow motion
See me let go
What a brother knows
Slow motion
See me let go

Now the cops will get me
But girl, if you would let me
Ill take your pants off
I gotta a little bit of blow
We could both get off
Later bathing in the afterglow
Two lines of coke Id cut with draino
And her nose starts to bleed
A most beautiful ruby red

Slow motion
See me let go
Well remember these days
Slow motion
See me let go
Urban life decays
Slow motion
See me let go

And at home
My sisters eating paint chips again
Maybe thats why shes insane
I shut the door to her moaning
And I shoot smack in my vains
And wouldnt you
See my neighbors beating his wife
Because he hates his life
Theres an arc to his fist as he swings
Oh man, what a beautiful thing

And death slides close to me
Wont grow old to be
A junkie whine-o creep

Hollywood glamourized my wrath
Im the young urban psyco path
I encite murder for your entertainment
Cause I needed the money
Whats your excuse?
The jokes on you

Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Oh yeah
Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Ahhhh
Slow motion
See me let go (aaahh)
Oooh

I really don't know why I wrote this..

I hate this fucking weather. I get so depressed turning this time of the year. I fell asleep and woke up at 1230 am and it has started raining, again. It seems like it rains almost everyday for the last few weeks. I don't know what the hell it is but I am just very sensitive right now. Everything makes me sad. I don't feel like I am good enough for anything or anyone anymore. I feel like the ground is not mine to walk to upon. I know its just this time of the year because of the weather. or at least I assume that is what it is. I get these unbelievable anxiety attacks and I can't concentrate on anything. I obsessively think of the most negative things. I think and think until I make myself sick. I feel like I am losing faith in myself and in god and in life. It is hard to believe in anything when you don't even believe in yourself. I know when I was a kid, I knew that I would be someone important. I would be someone to remember in a positive way. I know everyone thinks of the future optimistic when they are a child. But seriously, I feel like a big disappointment. I have no friends here still and have been here since april. radioshack is my favorite job ever but my manager is fucking hates me and is a total bitch towards me, why I don't know? I haven't done a fucking thing to that girl, but whatever. I feel like If I fuck up in the least bit and im gonna get fired. I don't know what my point is really. I guess is damn, I used to be the center of attention in a crowd, that now I don't even think I am noticed. I know its dumb, I don't think anyone really gives a shit about me anymore. I almost feel like I have disappeared. For example, I got a new phone and was putting numbers in the phone and got to fifteen numbers because I don't know anyones numbers anymore and I have no one to talk to. Most of the numbers were of people I am sure I will never even call. Man im not saying that anybody hates me. I don't know really what im getting at except that the "importance" of me seems pretty low. I haven't heard from much of anyone lately. I think, no I know that if I was never seen again that it wouldn't even matter. I hold no crucial role in society. Goddamn I don't want graveling or anything, just seem like such a recluse.

I bought the new lg muziq today, pretty sweet phone. i am still figuring out how it works. i actually get a full 40 hours at radioshack this week so thats good. i am not making as much as i was told at macaroni grill so we shall see how that works out. but i think i know its the last time ill ask someone for help, cause i came to someone asking for a huge favor, but i didnt ever hear anything after asking. never heard anything else about it after it was said. i guess that just tells me not to ask for help.

look in the mirror

I Look In The Mirror To See What My Hair Is Doing. Is It Kind Of Skywalker? or Is it Kind Of Stupid? But thats not the real reason im looking, I need a reminder of what I am doing..... I need a reminder that i'm human. In my dreams I love you like
A snowstorm in the night
The windows open wide
Here comes reflected light
We can keep the covers up
We bet it all on luck
But do dreams ever do damage to life?
When you need so much
You can't get it right
Who else is here today?
I'm alone but can't obey
Swim on my back at night
Near my clothes and a flashlight.

I finally went to a record store today in minneapolis. It was nothing amazing, just nice to be where I can find good music. I bought the new daniel martin moore cd, which no one knows him yet, but you will. He is on SubPop and it reminds me of mason jennings, that doesn't mean it sounds like it. then I got an old Heatmiser cd. For those of you who don't know who that is, it's a band that elliott smith was in before he went solo. Yeah I don't know thats about it. I hate the fall, I get really depressed and stuff. I am having a really tough time right now. One of my friends back home died yesterday. He was just 25. It's just sad because that could happen to any of us. I am lucky to still be here, but sometimes I feel like I am so ungrateful for it. But yeah, just feel bad and have really bad anxiety and I can't keep from being overwhelmed with emotion. Prolly cause I am a pussy. haha

loser

i had a good birthday overall. it was nice to have my girlfriend that loves me and tried to give me all that she could. it was really nice to have. we went out to eat a couple of times and she bought me the fourth season of rescue me. i tried to have some people come out for dinner but they had plans to, but it was nice still anyway. it would have been nice to be around some friends and family that would have celebrated on friday or something, but I am 800 miles away from them. I know they love me regardless. It was cool that one of her friends, Katie who is a really cool girl gave me a ticket to a sigur ros concert. It was nice to get that, I didnt get anything else. I am 24 so it doesn't matter as much as it did when i was younger. anyway i wrecked her car today right after my birthday. i hate my life. i care so much about her so much but i think everything i do just makes me look worse and worse. I know that I shouldnt feel like this but I do. I am just feeling really shittshitty about it. I look so bad all the time. I do all that I can. I know that her family shouldnt have to suffer for that. I know they are having it hard, so i have given all I can so she wouldnt have to ask them. I feel like me being a fucking loser and doing alot of things makes me look like such a fuck up. I love her so much, but I am such an idiot and feel terrible. It is the second wreck I have ever been in. The first one was bad, a guy was drunk walking in the middle of the road and I swerved to miss him and hit a telephone pole and was in a coma and almost died. But I feel like right now I wish I would have died today. Cause I am just tired of failing.

If there could be a way to turn off the way i feel about things i would do it. if i could take away every negative thought i would. it would be nice to not be me for a day. it would be nice to feel like everyone is out to get me, my paranoia is too much to handle. you know for me having people my whole life telling me good things about myself. it wasnt very often, it was usually always negative comments. i was never good enough for anything. i wish i could turn off who i am, but i cant. it is gonna take alot of work. for someone that can certainly give out alot of criticism, i sure as hell can't take it, but really who can? everyone wants to be a critic. you know it would be nice to not always have a bad thought it my head. I always think of what could go wrong, what is wrong even if it is nothing that big. I am never satisfied with anything, including myself. im never gonna be that guy that is good at doing anything. i have always been told that i am shit, so i am going to think that unless i try to do something about it. this is not negative like it might seem, i am trying to show myself that i don't need to be like this anymore. anyway, i am broke. My birthday is coming up, I would like to do something nice and get alot of cool things, but it doesn't matter if i don't. I just want to be happy. It isn't gonna be a big party, i don't have any friends still. haha, its funny but oh well, I guess I did that to myself. I thought that I was good at meeting new people but I guess I need a little more practice. Just the thought of being able to have people care about it and get some nice gifts and stuff seems to far away. I really truly would like to just give myself something good which is to stop being so negative. But man what if? This really isn't negative even if it sounds like it. I am not calling anybody anything. I can't blame anyone or anything for their actions. But I can think about being home and having friends and family caring and celebrating another year. I have the best gift ever. That is to be with Abby. That is best thing that I could have ever asked for.

If I had said something bad then sorry. I didnt mean to make anyone mad. At the time I was mad, frustrated, I apologize. I know it is probably my fault. It has its days where it is discouraging. I really forgot about saying anything. I shouldnt have even said anything. I feel really really bad. I am an idiot for it. I forgot I even did it, I shouldn't have even done it. It was not really how I felt. I am a moron. I feel like a fool. My bad, I know that it is alot of me. I cant make anyone do anything they dont want to. I am sorry, for always being negative. I wish that I could stop being so negative. I am trying, its a work in progress. I should really stop being so negative and passive aggressive about everything. I shouldnt take things to heart so much.

What I saw

I seen this today. A old man, trying to start his Camper in the parking lot of a Wal-mart, finally got it started and put into gear, only to somehow fall out of his vehicle have it run over him and keep running and run into the cart holders and into 4 or 5 cars which totaled almost all of them. The car was finally stopped when one of the vehicles held it long enough to have a guy jump in and turn it off. I seen all of this just as soon as I walked out of the store. I can't believe that I seen that stuff it was crazy! I went to see if the guy was ok, blood was everywhere and running down his arms and stuff. He was conscious and laying on the ground with his legs twisted and talking to a guy who pulled his cell phone out to have him call his wife and tell her. He was talking about how the car ran over him and he could hear his back crack. I feel really sorry for him, I hope that he is ok. But the one thing that I thought of as soon as it was over was the fact that his guy's insurance is going to go up so much. I mean his health and well being is more important than that, but after all of that he is going to have to worry about that. I don't know, just a really strange thing to see and I felt like commenting about it. I pray the guy is ok.. Oh yeah I seen a bunch of G's calling all these girls Ho's and Bitches and trash, for some reason I don't know. They weren't good enough one of them was saying. Found it sad, people can be so mean. ha, oh well.

You know people try to tell you that they are trying to get to know you, then they are glad to hear that I am not around. haha, im so tired of it. the truth of the matter is, no one respects me like i try to. so i do not even care anymore.

My birthday is soon. Happy Birthday To ME! I know all my friends will be throwing me a big party. I am excited.

So Ok

So ok here I am. I start my job at radioshack tomorrow. I am really glad to hvae gotten that job. I would like to think that something good will come out of working there. I really want to think that I have a future there. I am really glad about that at least. I am just still really worried about money. But I would like to think that everything will end up panning out and getting better soon. I know that it doesn't happen overnight, that it takes time for things to get better. I am really grateful to be alive and to be here today. I am very grateful for having the chance to be with a beautiful, lovely girl like Abigail. She is really sweet and deserves such a great life. I really am happy to be able to be a part of her life. I am hoping that everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay optimistic here. I value eve rything I have. I could be so much worse. I have the greatest anyone could ever have, the gift of being in love and loved.

Ok so... Some things I like..
This town don't feel mineI'm fast to get away-FAR I dressed you in her clothesNow drive me far - away, away, away It feels good to know your mineNow drive me far - away, away, awayFAR awayI don't care where just FAR - away And I don't care FAR - awayAnd I don't care where just FAR ....

These dreams'll raise you upSome kids wanna be rockstars, andsome kids wanna be firemenBut those dreams'll mess you upIf you're in it for the brightlights and the battle scarsIt'll turn you into a liar, manI don't know if I've seen a million facesI'm not sure if I've rocked them allAll I know is I've met a lot of peopleFilled a lot of spacesLearned to jump and learned to take a fallAnd if that's not livin' large, thenI'm happy livin' smallWell, most of us, when we go out looking,as we do, for our lovers and our friendsYea, we know it's not just supposed tobe about what looks goodWe know it's not really all about the benjaminsYea, but business is a lot like love andbusiness is a lot like friendship, isn't it?Yea, well either way, if you just go outlooking for what's rich and hotYou'll end up with a piece of shitI don't know if I'll make a million dollarsYea who knows, maybe if I return those calls...All I know is when I tune in,turn on and go outIt's not my radioIt's not my tv showIt's not my rock-n-rollLooks like one big fashion showAll these punk rock pimps and hoesSellin' this and sellin' thoseSodas, cars and phonesI mean, what's the dilly, yo?This channel isn't clear at allAnd if that's what passes thesedays for livin' largeThen I'm happy livin' small.

to you

Abby, you take away the cold and drabby. You make the things seem like a there is a purpose. You make me smile, when the you look at me. you make light the room when you look at me with your eyes. you make me happy, even if that sounds really sappy. You make me want to be a better man, I know that was your plan. I know that I say the wrong things sometimes, im really sorry, I want you to know you are worth every moment every second, of my life. You make me whole. I know this sounds really lame, but can you blame me for trying. thank you for saving my life, Love you. I guess thats Really all that I can say.

7 mos.

today is seven month anniversary of me and abby being together. i love her very very much. she means so much to me. I am so grateful to know her and have her in my life.

just thinking about my grandma.. I really miss my grandma, she had to sit and suffer the last years of her life. she couldn't go anywhere without an oxygen tank, she had to start sleeping in a hospital bed in the living room, she couldn't go to the bathroom by herself. She would sit and do crossword puzzles all day, then look forward to watching the new episode of dawson's creek on tv. I miss my grandma, alot. To think of how her life was taken away from her bothers me. She didn't deserve it at all. She had to sit and watch everyone else have a life while she suffered. She no longer had a moment to herself, constantly someone watching her. She went from raising her kids, to her kids raising her. She was very independent. She is definetely the most inspiring person I have had in my life. She gave me so much motivation to want to do better. She made me think that I had a reason to live. But for some reason sitting there watching her die because of smoking still isn't enough to make me want to quit. Pretty sad really. Maybe I should really start thinking about that.

Frank Caliendo?

How do people find this guy funny at all? He does the same jokes over and over and over. I just don't find him that good. Yes, at first it can be funny, but then you get the george bush, john madden, al pacino, jack nicholson, etc. Get a new joke. I would like to think that if this guy can be considered "funny," then what the hell? I think it is my time to break out my funny bits. The things I do that most people find annoying should be good.

whats with these homies dissin my girl

well i got two jobs. i got a job at target making 12 dollars an hour, and i got a job training to become a manager at wendy's. so thats pretty good. so at least i know now money will be coming, its gonna be late, but maybe just maybe i won't be in the negative real bad when the time comes. i really don't want a million bank fees. amazing

Thinking....

What do I do to get your attentionWhat do I do to get this throughNot the cool kids cliqueNot the cool fake hitsWhat do I do to break this silenceWhat do I do to make the noiseYou prefer to hear demand to hear I'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingLike an atom bombLike a mushroom cloudWhat do I do to get your attentionWhat do I do to get this throughMobs of idiots do what you're told to doGet away from superstitionGet away from boogiemenIn the dark night skyIn the dark cornerI'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingI'm sitting I'm standingI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm walking I'm runningI'm thinkingI'm thinkingI'm waiting to panicI'm thinking I'm thinkingI'm thinking I'm thinkingMy head is explodingLike an atom bombLike a mushroom cloud

Lay me in the rocks and the riverbed that my savior made for us.

So I am living in a frat house in downtown minneapolis in the dinkytown area. Haha. Last night I woke up to this guy screaming drunk as fuck calling all his friends faggots and that he was gonna kill them and shit. It was really really different. Not what you would expect. I mean its just strange I guess that my life has ended up where I am. I live in downtown mpls in a little bitty room, but hey at least i have free cable and internet. It isn't that bad so far. I mean its just what you would see out of a movie. nothing really un-expecting. But the good advantage of being there is it buys me two months to find another place to go. I didn't have to put a deposit down, I didn't have to sign a lease, plus it was the cheapest place I have found since I have been here. Just $ 250 a month, so that isn't that bad. I mean I am still really worried about money, but a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders with this. I thought that yesterday I would either have to pay 500 dollars a month plus a deposit or live in the ghetto's of north mpls for 350 a month. But yeah other than that, I hope that I don't jinx myself, but things like that just might be alright. I just really really need to find a job, I have me and others to take care of. I really want to be able to do those things, cause i feel like i would be taken care of as well. But that is all for now. I guess for once I am trying to be optimistic, shocking I know. Haha.

Ok, so here we go. Things that are going on with me right now. I am really truly being tested right now. I feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel that I am not good enough for anything or anyone. I don't know what it is I have to do. I know that everyone solely puts the blame on me for all these thigns happening. I think that it is quite un-fair. I know that I have to take the back seat. I know that everyone seems to be caring and understanding of everyone but my own "feelings." It is like my opinion doesn't matter at all. My feelings doesn't matter at all. What I am going through isn't hard at all. It is like I am keeping her away from things that I am not doing whatsoever. It is such bullshit. I am really really mad at the thought of everyone thinking that I am keeping her away. I know that it may seem like that. but that is far from the fucking truth. I know that I am being tested mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I know that it seems like my small white world is caving in on me. I am scared. I am fucking scared to death.. All I want is someone to talk to that wants to get to know me and be my friend, not out of obligation, but out of liking me. I say this because I am always put in situations with new people to where I only would meet because of prior obligation. They are nice people, but I dont think that they really care if i was here or not. I want my friends. I want my friends or some fucking new friends again to where I would have people to spend my time with. I enjoy spending time with Abby alot. but I think it look slike I am just clingy, when that isn't the case at all. I don't know anyone, I don't know where I am, I am not going anywhere to meet anyone, just seems like a rollercoaster ride filled with no scenery. I keep going up and down but going no where really fucking fast. I also think that if anything, it would just be nice to actually get have people that would want to know me, for me. Not because I am dating you. I think that it is great that everyone takes initiative that are your friends to get to know me, but it isn't like I am getting any phone calls or even you getting phone calls for that matter because of me. They think that I am either keeping you from it, or you wouldn't want to or i wouldn't want to, because I am some big asshole. I am tired of being labeled.