I forgot how much I like American Beauty, but one of the many movies i will get back soon enough.. When I go get my stuff I cannot believe that Barack Hussein Obama wants another fucking trillion or so dollars and this is not even 2 weeks after getting basically a trillion for his so called "economic stimulus package" he is such a fucking prick. But anyway yeah man things are getting better for me. I am feeling better, I got a signed copy of Choke by Chuck, so that was pretty cool. I met someone that had two copies and they gave me one of them. So yeah that was pretty random, but anyway yeah umm.. I only did this cause I couldn't sleep and I am watching the Whole Series of Quantum Leap. I am on Season 3, only 2 more seasons to go after this. I think about this show and really thought it was a put together quite well for being the 80's early 90's. I know that I had a good conversation the other night about death and religion and it was pretty insightful it made me think about some things. I was wondering how everyones perception of God is different than anyone else. I mean like I know that it is but if maybe if you do see God and you come back if maybe its just your perception of him because if you really seen the truth form of God it would be too much of mesmerizing thing. I don't know really how to explain it right now. It is 5 oclock in the morning and I can't sleep. I need to go to bed. I could post a stupid video or a stupid anything else that makes wish I was so much happier than I really am. Im not going to though, I got better things to do. I have so many things that I have written lately taht so funny, I think I might go to school to be a writer for television or something. I don't know really what for sure, just know that I feel more inspired to do alot of things in the lst couple months than I have in a while. I am happy

KIND BUD... sick of scrapin resin, im looking for a sack

i hate how the word love is just thrown around. the word LOVE holds no value at all anymore to me. i have had these really bad stomach aches and stomach cramps lately. i have also had wicked bad anxiety, its been a while since i have felt this bad. anyway, smoking weed should alleviate that? did i spell that right... You k now cause the Chronic fixes everything. If smoked a joint right now i would probably kick myself in the balls.

30

I am so scared of growing old. I am getting really scared. I am getting sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care. I feel like my window of oppurtunity is closing, oh i need to remind myself about wanting to get my Cds back. I am going crazy without a few of them. I don't have them on my Zune. I am on gonna be thirty soon. thirty, that makes me lose my breath thinking about it. 30 years old.... I am also watching that movie Loser with Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari, I haven't seen it since I was 16... I honestly like this movie.. It makes me remember alot of different feelings. Feelings of so many endless possibilities

listening...

Yesterday I did something that I never thought would happen. Me and my other siblings got together and talked about our mom and what would happen if she would die. Who would take care of everything. We all are gonna play a part in it getting worked out. We also talked about the insurance that is on my mom in case something did happen for us. She told us this too because she says that she has started to get emphysema, I think is how you spell it. So we assume that she is sick and just isn't telling us either. She has talked alot lately about what would happen if she died. I think that she is miserable anyway, she is so spaced out and I feel so sorry for her. I love my mom alot.. I hate to sit and watch her suffer, she is just not there anymore almost. I hate that I have taken so many things for granted. I feel so fucking bad right now about my mom. it is just hard to believe that one day she isn't gonna be around, I don't like thinking about it. We talked about how if she got real bad that none of us kids would put her in a nursing home, that we would watch her like the way she did with my grandma. I don't want to think about my mom sitting suffering. I am really quitting smoking.. I don't want to hurt the people around me for my own stupidity.

Making out with people I hardly know or like....

I can't believe what I do late at night... I wanna know what it's like in the inside of love.

last night the moon was so bright and so big that you could see everything so clearly. it was beautiful. I seriously spent two hours staring out into space last night, thinking about many different things. I thought about how even though you may not be around you, that they are looking at the same thing you are looking at and then it doesn't seem so bad. IT seems like maybe things aren't so bad. Everything is slowly working it self out in some shape or form. I look at myself at what would be 2 months ago soon and think thatit's hard to believe how much different I have changed. I would like to think the better. I feel better, things get better, things change, people change, feelings change, people grow, etc. I think that I am getting closer and closer to be able to finally say that I am happy. I feel so stupid sometimes with some of the shit I say. Haha, blogging is very therapeutic?!!? I should just leave it at that. Oh my world was crushed today! Chris Brown supposedly beat a girl, that just broke my heart. I fucking think he is amazing.. IT makes me want to cry..

watched a movie and this came out.

im sure this is just gonna bite me in the ass. or its just gonna be something that i shouldn't say. i just got in one of those moods, where i just thought about how extremely beautiful you are. im sure you wont read this or even care. but despite what you may think of me i still love you. i dont want anything, just that to be known. i would like to talk like two people one day but even i know at this point thats asking alot. i don't know if i would really want it myself, probably best that i dont. but anyway, yeah ummm just hit me really hard about 15 minutes ago and i guess too, would it be out of line If did say I missed you? because i do. i do, i do, i do. and i know that you probably are happier now without me and seriously i am happy for you. but i know that you have to miss me, even just a litte. you know you miss me bitching about something really stupid. how you fucking went and almost hit that car in front of us and bitch about it for an hour..lol, i have totally came to realize that i did alot of dumb arguing. but im not saying i was the main problem but yes, i fucked it up. haha, its kinda funny now because i see how stupid i was at times. just life i guess, shit happens. but hope that all is well and i hope you are having a good time. take care

well it didnt work out.. i ended it and i thought it was for the best best. i didnt think it was fair to me or the other person. you know i do feel bad because they were a really nice person and you know maybe it was too much considering she would actually do something for me? you never know, i doubt it but you never know. i don't feel like its teh best idea for me to go rushing into something serious anyway. I am still having difficulty trusting. Hell I am getting ready to move next week too. So goodbye to this state again, thankfully... I am not mad at anyone at anything, just got out of something serious and i should wait. I don't know what I want anymore because I am unsure of it being the best idea. It would probably be best to wait. One thing I am sure about not happening is Barack's stupid stimulus package plan. but anyway, i chopped some wood yesterday so i could be all manly! it was alot harder than i imagine. The wood is a bitch. Then laid some tile down in a friends bathroom. I have to say i didn't feel like a totaly bum doing that stuff. Anyway, need to figure out my tax information because yeah its important. I do not know whwa they took money for a work week working in rs. Because it was almost 200 dollars every pay check. Fed was only 160 out and state was the same. So I am not expecting any money back,oh well. boredom, clearly just woke up and I am really bored. Yeah Goodbye Sky Harbor, is a classic.

Please don't lie, don't lie to me
that you're not afraid, my love.
I know you well enough to know
you can't be alone.

If you were to roll, to roll down your window
you'd find the wind, the ice, the trees
that sway like skeletons outside.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Please don't fight, don't fight with me
and fold your arms like it's the end.
Can you smell the sweetness of the soil and snow in the wind?

So we're lost, we're lost out here on the plains, my love.
It's only wind and ice and trees that wave from above.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

When the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Don't lie
Don't cry
It's over
It's only the leaves, the trees
I'll never leave you alone
In this car
In the dark, with the air getting so much colder.
It's so clear outside here, in the moon and winter air.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

When the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence...

The plans I made still have you in them

I do not care to say this but the first album third eye blind ever released is definetely one of the best albums of all time. I still love it after 12 years of listening to it.. Especially the last three, Background, motorcycle driveby, and God of Wine.
Everything is quiet since youre not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before
I walk haight street to the store
And they say wheres that crazy girl
You dont get drunk on red wine and fight no more
I dont see you anymore since the hospital
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Im in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets
And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Cause I felt you long after we were through
Well you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel to you
I only know because
Im way Im way in the background
Im in the background

This Present Darkness

I used to love this stupid music. I don't know if it is about the book or what, but I got the book about a week ago and started reading it and it made me think of this stupid band. enjoy