watching life dissappear

I was sitting alone today by myself and I started to think,Man it is so hard to believe how much is changing around me.. I don't know the fact that they have tore everything around me. I think of how in what little bit has changed. I hate to think of how our environment is changed in so little time. I mean we are losing everything around us. I noticed how many trees are gone and how many animals, bugs and so on have dissappeared. I know when I was a kid I see fireflies everywhere. Now adays I guess I havent seen one in a long time. I remember that it was no big deal to see deer, foxes, raccoons, etc and now you dont see any of that. We are taking so much life away by tearing down trees and building new roads, and houses and so on. I know that I think it is pathetic really how much no one cares. WE are just sitting around watching everything dissappear. WE are losing alot of life, we are killing ourselves to in the process. I know what I will always remember as being normal in my lifetime will probably seem very strange to people growing up today. I woudl like to do something important in my life where I am helping not only myself, but everyone else. To think that if we all took a little time out of our day to clean, recycle, etc we cuold so much down. We are wasting all of our resources. WE are fucking everything up that makes this place so great. I would like to be able to plant and grow every kind of plant to where we can still hopefully save thigns before it is too late. That goes for all the animals, bugs, insects, etc. I know I am not perfect, I know that I have alot of work to do, but I think I should certainly start caring alot more. It just makes me sad to see all of th ese t hings that I have taken for granted my whole life dissappear. To think how it will be ten yeras from now is really scary if we dont try to do something about it now. Anyway, yeah I don't know just feel like thinking about something else other than the norm for the day. I want to really just start noticing the things that I am doing and how they are affecting things.

If you all do not realize this. I am in so much pain.

well lets see I am sorry for ever arguing. I am sorry for not being honest with you. I am sorry that I never tried to make you oopen up more.. I am really sorry for ruining your life. I love you, I really thought that I would get to marry you one day. I was serious about everything. The thought of being with you forever and always sounds perfect. I know when we first met I was supposed to be with you for the rest of my life. I love your wittiness, creativity, beauty, and so much more. I like how you can hold me and comfort me when I am having a bad day. I loved the fact that I knew I would always have you to rely on and I took you for granted. I should have done alot of things different. I shouldn't have been so hard and negative. I should have realized that you werent being the way you wanted to be. I know you think that I have nothihng to say, but I will always have plenty of things to say to you about how much I love you. I love your voice. I love the way you sing, it puts me at ease thinking aobut. I will always remember the first time you ever sang to me and I was in complete aww of your beauty. You amaze me, you have so many things to do and you are more and more of an inspiration. I wish that I could go back and fix things. I wish that I could just take b ack the way I acted at first. The way I was so scared. I didn't know what else to do, perhaps. Maybe, I was worried about being myself. I don't know like I wouldn't be very interesting I gueses that with all the things that Iyou had done and I guess that maybe I wanted to be all that and more. You know I would really have liked to have traveled like we had planned. I think that would be beautiful. just you and me together hand and hand. I can't get over all these things I did wrong. I know now I don't have a chance to change it. You really made me want to be a better person. You inspired me to do better and to care about someone other than myself. I think of you and I smile. Well at this point I am crying because I miss you and love you so much. I just wish that this wouldn'tb e the end.. I wish... Does it really have to be? I know that I can and will make you very happy. but I guess you will never know. I will always love you. Bye

I just tried to write a blog and deleted
it all and it was going so well. fucking shit.

hey! I haven't written in a while

well it appears as if I haven't wrote in a while. So i thought I would. I am not gonna get to home for christmas now. Abby lost her job so now I am the only one with a job making any money at all, so in order to have enough money to live, and pay rent I am gonna not go home. It sucks to be quite honest, my friends and family I miss alot I was looking forward to seeing them. Here it isn't very often I see anyone I know or who really is all t hat interested that I am even around. I kknow that my friends and my family were telling me how excited they were that I was gonna be comng home. I haven't seen them in ten months. It is sometimes I forget that I even have people that care about me. I am not being negative I am just sayng that to have people really truly know you and enjoy your company is different. I just would like to see my friends hang out and get drunk and listen to music and just laugh. I would like to see my family and just do whatever. Iwould like to see my nephew elijah cause he is almost 3 now. I don't want to go home for good, or otherwise I would have never left there. But damn it would be nice to be able to see everyone. My family has me gifts for xmas too. that was nice i thought because iwas coming in. I just really don't know how things will be financially with me just making money. I know that if I go that will be a whole week without me making any money at all and rent is due while we are gone. so i guess i will just stay.. so me and abby will have a place to live. i hate growing up. I also find out tomorrow or the next if i will be transferred to a new radioshack getting more hours fulltime. so hopefully I get it, that would be really helpful. Oh yeah, I had to buy a new battery today for the car because I jumped the last one and it was fucked. so it just seems for goddamn sure that when it rains it pours. It is christmas time and etc etc etc. so much for thinking that things were gonna be ok.