loser

i had a good birthday overall. it was nice to have my girlfriend that loves me and tried to give me all that she could. it was really nice to have. we went out to eat a couple of times and she bought me the fourth season of rescue me. i tried to have some people come out for dinner but they had plans to, but it was nice still anyway. it would have been nice to be around some friends and family that would have celebrated on friday or something, but I am 800 miles away from them. I know they love me regardless. It was cool that one of her friends, Katie who is a really cool girl gave me a ticket to a sigur ros concert. It was nice to get that, I didnt get anything else. I am 24 so it doesn't matter as much as it did when i was younger. anyway i wrecked her car today right after my birthday. i hate my life. i care so much about her so much but i think everything i do just makes me look worse and worse. I know that I shouldnt feel like this but I do. I am just feeling really shittshitty about it. I look so bad all the time. I do all that I can. I know that her family shouldnt have to suffer for that. I know they are having it hard, so i have given all I can so she wouldnt have to ask them. I feel like me being a fucking loser and doing alot of things makes me look like such a fuck up. I love her so much, but I am such an idiot and feel terrible. It is the second wreck I have ever been in. The first one was bad, a guy was drunk walking in the middle of the road and I swerved to miss him and hit a telephone pole and was in a coma and almost died. But I feel like right now I wish I would have died today. Cause I am just tired of failing.

If there could be a way to turn off the way i feel about things i would do it. if i could take away every negative thought i would. it would be nice to not be me for a day. it would be nice to feel like everyone is out to get me, my paranoia is too much to handle. you know for me having people my whole life telling me good things about myself. it wasnt very often, it was usually always negative comments. i was never good enough for anything. i wish i could turn off who i am, but i cant. it is gonna take alot of work. for someone that can certainly give out alot of criticism, i sure as hell can't take it, but really who can? everyone wants to be a critic. you know it would be nice to not always have a bad thought it my head. I always think of what could go wrong, what is wrong even if it is nothing that big. I am never satisfied with anything, including myself. im never gonna be that guy that is good at doing anything. i have always been told that i am shit, so i am going to think that unless i try to do something about it. this is not negative like it might seem, i am trying to show myself that i don't need to be like this anymore. anyway, i am broke. My birthday is coming up, I would like to do something nice and get alot of cool things, but it doesn't matter if i don't. I just want to be happy. It isn't gonna be a big party, i don't have any friends still. haha, its funny but oh well, I guess I did that to myself. I thought that I was good at meeting new people but I guess I need a little more practice. Just the thought of being able to have people care about it and get some nice gifts and stuff seems to far away. I really truly would like to just give myself something good which is to stop being so negative. But man what if? This really isn't negative even if it sounds like it. I am not calling anybody anything. I can't blame anyone or anything for their actions. But I can think about being home and having friends and family caring and celebrating another year. I have the best gift ever. That is to be with Abby. That is best thing that I could have ever asked for.

If I had said something bad then sorry. I didnt mean to make anyone mad. At the time I was mad, frustrated, I apologize. I know it is probably my fault. It has its days where it is discouraging. I really forgot about saying anything. I shouldnt have even said anything. I feel really really bad. I am an idiot for it. I forgot I even did it, I shouldn't have even done it. It was not really how I felt. I am a moron. I feel like a fool. My bad, I know that it is alot of me. I cant make anyone do anything they dont want to. I am sorry, for always being negative. I wish that I could stop being so negative. I am trying, its a work in progress. I should really stop being so negative and passive aggressive about everything. I shouldnt take things to heart so much.

What I saw

I seen this today. A old man, trying to start his Camper in the parking lot of a Wal-mart, finally got it started and put into gear, only to somehow fall out of his vehicle have it run over him and keep running and run into the cart holders and into 4 or 5 cars which totaled almost all of them. The car was finally stopped when one of the vehicles held it long enough to have a guy jump in and turn it off. I seen all of this just as soon as I walked out of the store. I can't believe that I seen that stuff it was crazy! I went to see if the guy was ok, blood was everywhere and running down his arms and stuff. He was conscious and laying on the ground with his legs twisted and talking to a guy who pulled his cell phone out to have him call his wife and tell her. He was talking about how the car ran over him and he could hear his back crack. I feel really sorry for him, I hope that he is ok. But the one thing that I thought of as soon as it was over was the fact that his guy's insurance is going to go up so much. I mean his health and well being is more important than that, but after all of that he is going to have to worry about that. I don't know, just a really strange thing to see and I felt like commenting about it. I pray the guy is ok.. Oh yeah I seen a bunch of G's calling all these girls Ho's and Bitches and trash, for some reason I don't know. They weren't good enough one of them was saying. Found it sad, people can be so mean. ha, oh well.

You know people try to tell you that they are trying to get to know you, then they are glad to hear that I am not around. haha, im so tired of it. the truth of the matter is, no one respects me like i try to. so i do not even care anymore.

My birthday is soon. Happy Birthday To ME! I know all my friends will be throwing me a big party. I am excited.

So Ok

So ok here I am. I start my job at radioshack tomorrow. I am really glad to hvae gotten that job. I would like to think that something good will come out of working there. I really want to think that I have a future there. I am really glad about that at least. I am just still really worried about money. But I would like to think that everything will end up panning out and getting better soon. I know that it doesn't happen overnight, that it takes time for things to get better. I am really grateful to be alive and to be here today. I am very grateful for having the chance to be with a beautiful, lovely girl like Abigail. She is really sweet and deserves such a great life. I really am happy to be able to be a part of her life. I am hoping that everything will work out for the best. I am trying to stay optimistic here. I value eve rything I have. I could be so much worse. I have the greatest anyone could ever have, the gift of being in love and loved.