Seriously?

Seriously?

Oh yeah well today I had thought about the Patriot Act and how the Government is so corrupt. They do not allow you the oppurtunity to be at their level. You think of how scary it is really. to think 95 percent of the troops voted for Mccain. To think that we have people saying that Obama was a good choice. how now that obama is wanting to get rid of our right to bear arms. I think it's really fucking scary, we are going to have a revolt if we do not watch it. I think that half the troops would do what they are told and the other half will be against alone with the civilians that are against it as well. We are taking the right away from every human being to protect yourself. I keep getting these fucked up visions of war on our own country, like a civil war again. We have to worry about Afghansitan and Iraq, we are over there for a good reason. We are not there to get fucking oil, we are there to let normal people like you and I the chance to live freely, without fear. We are also there for our planes to be closer to China. I think there is much more than what we are really even giving credit. it has absolutely nothing to do with it. I am so fucking freaked out at the moment. I know that these things are probably far from happening, but its a good possibility. We have rights taken away with the patriot act anyway, its fucked up. We are not free, we are far from ok. So much I want to say about it but I got a million things going at once, I will say it later when I am more level headed. It has all hit me and its so scary. Think it the Chinese run our land and we have all of our weapons gone and on top of that we have a war within our own troops. Are you ready? I am ready for Obama to fuck it all up!

I felt better these last few days. I know that I deserve more than what I have given myself. I am more than I said about myself. I like me, I just got lost for a little bit. I think I am "badass". Man I don't know what else to say cause its not that big of a deal. Anyway yeah, I am feeling alot better. I am not saying I feel like I am figuring things out. Yeah, we shall see.

a new bed.

I like this, I like it, doesn't mean that you have to or should. if you want to leave me comments of how good or bad it is, how original or unoriginal it is thats fine. I will try to not to get offended.
I spend most days in this bed that I abuse, on these pillows that you can't get used to. I spend entire days putting off that which cant wait, until the new to you. In my own ways.and I think that Im justified, cause Ive seen whats trying's done to those that try. I spend most days in this bed too small for two. displacing time, like i've got it to lose. i spend endless days thinking of all the different ways that weve made love. and i think that im justified, cause ive seen what livings done for those alive.... little to none. I spend tired days too small for two, on these pillows you can't get used to and thats why I dont sleep at night. and thats why I dont feel right in this shitty town. Its more than you...

Job's Eyes

At One Time Upon Our Lives, we will look upon a loved who is need and probably ask this question, "We are willing to help, Lord" but what if anything is needed? For it is true we can rarely help those closest to us, either we don't know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not the part that we give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know elude us, but we can still love them. We can love completely without completely understanding. For there is nothing wrong with giving. You know that no matter what you do is never going to be enough. But that doesn't mean that you stop. You can and never will stop loving someone just because. I read something earlier today that made me think about this. The Lord Bestows Favor And Honor; No Good Thing Does He Withhold.. I feel that I am a leader, I feel that I need to be a leader by example. I think that I can and will do some things important. I need to only wait and ask what it is that is needed of me. You must have hope in God when you are being punished for sin. God watches over his people. "I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction"

I want you all to know that everything I said in the past that was negative and bad about anyone I didn't mean. I really am thinking of all the mean things I said and I am really sorry for that. I guess I felt if everyone else can talk about me then I can say mean things about them. I had no right and neither did you. I especially don't think anything bad about Abigail. I know that she will probably never forgive me or care about me and that sucks to think that she will hold this against me. I am only human, we all make mistakes. For me The insults, the rejection, and the fact that i feltlike i never meant anything played a part. People make mistakes. I made a big mistake. I guess I should let people talk bad about me and think nothing of everything I did the last year. I can't blame her though, honestly. I shouldn't have been thinking that we meant nothing. At one time we meant everything. We probably don't anymore to her. But I know she means alot to me. I am really trying to make amends for the things I did the last bit. I am not saying that I was right or wrong about everything, it doesn't matter anymore. It is in the past. I am only human and I had my moments of "what was I doing?" and "what was I thinking?" I have alot of those the last few weeks. Ahh, forget it... It isn't like I can say or do anything now to really fix it. I am only human. Regardless of how things play which will most definetely not be like a movie. It isn't like I can go with a sign saying " I LOVE YOU" and then go steal a limo and have a dozen roses and a big Heart Choclate with a bottle of champagne to win her back. If I did that I am sure it isn't like If I said something epic, something really truly poetic and truthful to win her back it would work. Life is not like the movies, I am not no Clooney or Pitt or something. I am a Chris Farley, it wouldn't be taken seriously and it would really just be a big joke. Next scene show me getting cuffed and thrown in jail or something. If life was like the movies, in my efforts to try to redeem or save myself would've worked by now. When someone says "leave me alone I don't want to talk to you ever again" they mean it. When someone says that they "hate you and they have no respect for you" they mean it. It isn't someone trying to be subtle. They really have no respect for you and they don't think about you at all anymore. I am not complaining. I am only stating the obvious. I am not trying to hold on to something that isn't there. I know at one time when she would look at me and kiss me and tell me she loved me she meant it. she doesn't anymore and thats fine. I will settle for the Farley Role and I will be just fine and dandy. I would like to talk still and be friends, but I can't make someone do something they don't want to. I know that better than anyone else. You cannot do that. You cannot make someone love you just because thats what you want. I pushed and pushed until she is completely gone out of my life. The person that I was acting like needs to be punched in the balls. I pushed away the most important person to me at the time. The guy I acted like wasn't me at all. I am spontaneous, witty, funny, outgoing, talkative. I am totally not the guy I was. I want you all to know I am sorry for the mean things I had said about you and her. I hope that you can forgive me. If you want to continue to say mean things about me then thats fine. I can't make you say something you don't want to. I want you all to know that I am heartbroken, but I will get over it over time. I will always love abby. I will try to respect her wishes and give her space, even though it would be really nice to talk. I miss her alot. Today is also what would have been a year. I am not holding on. There is nothing to hold on to. It is over and probably over forever. I just wanted to say this. I had alot more written but this dial up connection didn't save it. Oh well I am sure no one will really read these anyway. BYE

1000 miles from nowhere.

I just bought Burn After Reading, Pineapple Express, Neil Young Heart Of Gold, and Dwight Yoakam. Burn After Reading is probably one of the best movies of 08'. I don't see anything wrong with that movie. I really enjoyed it. Nothing goes better with a broken heart than some Neil and some Dwight either.

hi?

I am Mr. Self Destruct. I take something already bad, making it much much worse. I am unhappy with my actions the last few weeks. I cannot believe the things I have done
in my life. I do not regret the last year of my life. I only regret the last few weeks. I acted really immature. I know that for me trying to fix things physically, really only made things worse. I wanted to show that I cared but really all I should've done is show that I cared by not doing or saying anything at all. I should've made that known to myself. It is like I did know, just wouldn't listen. I hate knowing that I am just disappearing. I guess? Anyway, I am worried about the future. I am about worried about my life right now. I am worried about how I portrayed myself. I made myself look like the scary villian that everyone hopes die in the final scene of a movie. I wouldn't ever hurt anyone, or do anything to harm anyone. I wasn't trying to do that. I wasn't trying to be forceful, I was selfish in wanting a better ending for me. I was only trying to end things on a better scale, but all I did was make things much worse. All I want is happiness for you and I even though I haven't shown that. I am really truly embarrassed in my actions. I cannot believe I did that to myself. I guess if I wanted to make myself feel justified in my actions, I could say that a broken heart makes you do stupid stuff sometimes. But really I don't want to make myself feel better for how I acted. I want to know that what I did was wrong. It was wrong. I shouldn't have forced myself into situations the way I did. I was truly selfish in how I had acted. I didn't go all the way back to minnesota to just see her. I really only went to my things. But while I was there I got it into my head that I came this far, please just let things go and see me. But I didn't need to do that. I should've respected the fact that she didn't want to see me regardless of how far it was. It was just a thousand miles. No big deal. I respect her, I just at times show I don't care by doing selfish things. I had a week of closure. I took that week and ruined it, along with the last two days. But one can only take so many insults, so on, til he wants to defend myself. All the negative things I have said I didn't mean any of them. I was only angry. I really thought that I meant more is all. I know I made a lot of mistakes but still I tried, everything I did was for the both of us. I feel like everything that has been said and all the things that happened had a mockery of the last year. Of course I am gonna get upset. I feel like NO ONE respected me. I am not a desperate guy, I am independent human. I wanted to feel something more than nothing. I wanted to feel like our relationship wasn't a lie. I never wanted to be a dick. No one should've been worrying about me harming anyone or anything. If you really knew me you would know I wouldn't do that. I hate people making me out like a monster. I am not. I will move on. I know that I have alot to offer. I lost myself for a bit, lost myself in a lot of things. Im just a happy kid, stuck with the mind of a sad punk perhaps. I have been working on myself. I am going to forget about alot of things for a while. My actions show me as a weak, desperate person. But I know now what I did was wrong. I never felt justified in any of my actions. I was being selfish. That is really all I can say about it. SELFISH.But even after my little fiasco I would still like to think that you will know it wasn't me and still be able to remember me in a positive way. I was being very irrational. I hope that within time I can show my respect and my love for you the way I had shown you when things were good. I will find myself again. I have came to the conclusion that I haven't felt like the same guy as before the last few years when I had that car accident. I think because I lost alot of faith in God. I was trying to go away from him even when I thought I was trying. I found my old Teen Study Bible the other day and I read alot of stuff that made me feel good. I know that I must be faithful and follow God in order to have my prayers answered. I don't need to have selfish prayers. Colossians I wrote that when I was younger that everyone has a spirtiual gift from God. I do know I feel better knowing that I have been trying to restore my faith. When I was younger I had alot of faith and was very interested in my beliefs. I can remember me when I was a kid I either wanted to be a lawyer or a preacher. haha, well I am not saying that I am doing either one, but I know that I must make myself happy and I must forgive and I must believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason. I feel like I have been given so many oppurtunities that were great and all I did was throw them away. I will no longer take things for granted. I will not take my life for granted. Today would have been a year that we would have been together a year. It is weird to think that a year has already went by that fast. I want to think that maybe one day we will find ourselves again. That we will be happy. I want to that hopefully one day in the future we can be friends or maybe if seen fit what we once were. I believe that God has a plan for you and I. Perhaps it was just a little detour, I am not living in denial, I am not living with the hops for us to get back together. I just feel we met for a purpose it may or may not be to be in a relationship. It may or may not be nothing more than a "cautionary tale" for people who meet on the internet. I just want to think that once everything is put aside we will be able to put the negatives aside and be able to grow up. I will always love Abby regardless. I will never stop loving someone that I care about as much as I did her. I know that I am finding myself. I feel so much better this last little bit.I lost a part of me in Oct 05' when I had that car accident. I found the old me, the one with ambition, goals, fun, love, happiness, faith, gifted, etc etc. person I am. I believe that maybe this was needed to show me that. I am not desperate. I am hopeful.

I wish that you could put your ear to my heart and hear how much I love you