What a fucking crazy night. I had my first seizure ever while in class. I don't know what it was. But I had a really bad case of deja vu right before I had a seizure. they that is a reason that can cause seizure. I am grateful to be alright, but I am still scared because Idont know what is wrong and what will happen.

I don't snap on like you want me to
because it still hurts my eyes when they turn red
I sit down, rode all the way next to my heart
it beats to the time too close to your truth

Chorus:
Yeah the tarot broke, open the glasshouse
so this might just be the saddest day I've ever known
Yeah the tarot broke, open the glasshouse
and this might just be the saddest day I've ever known

My arms are tied behind disease
I'll probably be gone the next time too
in a corner in a shadow I sit self-obsessesed
too busy, too important to say goodbye

Chorus

This regret, it kills you'll never forget
take the time this time to say your goodbyes

writing something new. i do not know why

I am never surprised at anything you say anymore. Go ahead and talk about how much you hate me.. How much I never meant anything to you at all

Well. It is almost crazy how much everything seems so infinite or possible being in a city. All the possibilities are endless. I guess with so many people, places, things, etc. I know that I really like Louisville, it reminds me of Minneapolis in a way. It isn't as big, but it's kinda got the same feel to it. I like the culture and stuff, its not like you would think if you are a narrow minded asshole or something. The only thing good about that movie Elizabethtown was the few things it shown. I guess for me I like seeing all these people and none of them are going to the same place. Everywhere has somewhere to go, for the most part. We all seem to be going in the other direction. I seen this bum today and he smelled like literal shit and it was sad, he was fighting with nothing. He was talking to something that wasn't there getting really mad. I think about how all those people are not diagnosed properly with their mental defects and that is why they end up becoming what they are. I feel sorry for a lot of them. Some of them can control it. I just like that I have so many chances and I should take them. I am feeling better, I am not eating as much as I was back in the winter. I probably lost 30 or 40 pounds since I left minneapolis. I am dating and meeting new people, some bad ones, but its getting better. I like who I am sometimes. I like the way I think. I like that I can be optimistic, and pessimistic when necessary. I like that I know I have so many great things to say, things to do.. I don't want to be limited because I am waiting on someone else to do decide or whatever. I like the fact that I am not going for the first thing that comes. I know some people are just sad and pathetic and they will take the first thing that comes.

Sorry If I wasn't honest.. Its just me I was afraid I guess? Well I moved into a really nice house in the suburbs from a person I met on roommates.com here.

You are so pathetic.

Yesterday I honestly laughed at how unbelievable you really are. I am so glad that I am not that guy that your banging these days. I mean I tried to be nice and just ask for my stuff back and you had to be a big dumb retard. It was fucking hilarious really. I mean their was no need to tell me you hate me.. What is your reason for hating me really? You don't have a reason, other than I took our breakup hard at first. That is no goddamn reason to hate someone. You say your this christian, but your nothing but a fucking hypocrite. Wishing that I would die and shit. Wanting to stab me. You hate someone that did anything and everything for you too. You are fucking pathetic.. You had to tell me over and over how happy you are. YOu may be.. I dont care though if you are regardless. Really I hope your fucking miserable because your a fucking bitch. I wanted to be as nice as possible about it. despite your hatred for me.. It will never take away the fact of all the dirty things we did together. A notch on my bedpost is how you shall exsist. That is all you will ever mean to anyone. If you really threw my stuff away, it is going to be something that your gonna regret. I hope you still read this... I called Park Trails and I am allowed to go get my stuff. So either you mail me my shit or I am going to come up there and you better not fucking start any shit you immature kid. I am going to get back every fucking thing I bought, even if I don't need it. That 100 dollar cord for your computer, that dvd player, every single shitty dvd you ever had me get, and anything and everything else. If I could figure out some kind of way to take that fucking tattoo off of you I would. You know if you would have just been nice about me asking for MY fucking stuff back I wouldn't have been a dick. I just wanted my cds and whatever else. You know that I took care of you for the whole time we were together. I paid for so much shit, I am entitled to some of that fucking stuff. I think if you really threw away my stuff, then that shows how really truly pathetic you are. You can say you hate me, but you will always live with me your in heart, in your head, your arm, in many many many other ways. I will too unfortunately, because I see so many things and it will remind me of you and it will just ruin my day. Its unfortunate your so stupid and you couldnt be mature about one thing. You should stop playing this cool bitch act and be that person you ACTed like at first. You know that I did alot for you and I would never ever do the fucked up shitty stupid things you have done.

so

Been a bit since I have wrote anything. Well classes has started for me at Sullivan University, so far I am doing alright. I would be doing alot better without all the stress of family but it happens. I have went on a strict crash diet and I have probably lost 15 pounds so far. I am just eating fruit and that is it. I got complimented the other day of how much better I look and that made me feel good. As far as the whole dating situation goes for me I am just not finding anyone that I really want to be with. I do however like this girl Katie and I think that it has real potential because she hasn't been like every other girl so far. I don't really know, just want someone that is right for me. I guess? I know that for me I am just tired of finding girls that are easy. I don't necessarily mean easy as in getting into their pants easy but just surrendering themselves for the sake of being with someone. Some people are just so desperate to be with someone that will take the first thing they see or can get. Maybe I have been guilty of before, well I am sure I have been. I know that everyone gets lonely, I get lonely. I don't really know what else to say, so i will end now..

First day of my life?

I started Sullivan University today.. I am so freaking scared right now.. New city, new school, new everything. I am not doing very well with money either, I am not getting any help either. My tax return hasn't came yet and I don't know where I am gonna live. I am actually homeless at the time and what little money I do have is going towards a hotel room. But I am trying to stay positive and excited and ready. I have been in worse situations and I got through it somehow.. I know that I can't back out now I have already gotten my books and started class. So Rock n Roll. Wish me the best... I think that everything will be fine just got to tough it out.

It has been nice to say the least being in Louisville this week. I have gotten the V.I.P. treatment because Sullivan is so badass. I guess because my test scores were so high I have gotten two nights free at the holiday inn, all expenses paid for, food, cab rides, etc for free. It is nice to know that the staff at Sullivan didn't look at me like I was just another Social Security Number either. I mean its nice to know that nice people still exsist, they are just extremely hard to find. Laurie has been a great help. She has done so much for me. Thanks..

college

I start Sullivan University on March 30th in Louisville KY. I am going for Culinary arts, something that I hvae wanted to do for a very long time. I am very proud and glad that I finally did something that I wanted to and I think that I will do and love it very much. I have my own apartment too and I move in on the third week of April. It is a good thing that it is my own apartment so I don't have to worry about being kicked out of my own apartment. But yeah man it feels great being back in the city and going back to schoool especially something like I am doing. I think I am going to do a good job and I am happy. I met someone great too up here, Raquelle. She is a sweet girl and I am surprisingly happy and glad that things are going good. I am just glad to have finally gotten out of that whole "lost" phase. After I moved back in January, I have seemed so lost.. But I am glad to be out of that little ass town and be back in the city and going to college and meeting people worth actually meeting.. So far so good, no assholes.

I met a girl.. I am so glad to be out of Russell Springs. I think I am going to like being in Louisville and especially for Culinary Arts. Oh yeah, everyone has gone, home to oblivion. Watched a dying day blushing in the sky, everyone is uptight. so come on night. Still got 3 years and 10 months left of our lord and savior in office. bored at the moment

see you later

There Will Be Blood, I finally got it because Paul Thomas Anderson Wrote and Directed it. For those of you who don't know who he is he did Magnolia, Boogie Nights, Punch Drunk Love, and more. There will be blood is the best movie I have seen in years.. I like how he does the music in his movies, just really eerie I guess. But I like the whole thing with church and God in it. It is hard to believe Daniel-Day Lewis hasn't been in more movies. I bought Levity, which I seen that a few times before but its good Billy Bob Thorton, and Happy Endings its pretty good. I guess its not for everyone. But I leave sunday for Louisville, I am going to College for Culinary Arts at Sullivan University. I think that is what I need to do with my life and I finally did it. So I am excited.

I like your pretty eyes better blackened and my fist all fucking red

I had alot to say at first but I done forgot it, oh well. I was just thinking about how I think I am an idiot for telling you that I missed you, I know it made you feel better about yourself. I think about how it would be nice to hear you say that but of course you won't. You move on really quick and talk about how you never been in love anyway and this new guy I forget it his name but he made you laugh so much. I am happy for you. I know that for me all these whores I have been with the last few months make me feel awful about myself. I am too scared to trust anyone now because of you and I have added too many notches on my bedpost.. I am ashamed really, I want a good girl, not a fucking whore. I just think about how my actions have been lately, so i could only imagine what you've been doing. I am sure its probably much worse. I don't care though that isn't really any of my concern now. I know that I hate the fact that I am so scared of commiting now. The other day too when I said I missed you I do mean that, but that doesn't mean I want to get back with you because I don't. I know it doesn't make any difference to you just telling you that. Anyway, since I did it I am in a funking fucking mood. On a high note even though I didnt get to file all my taxes from all my jobs because I didn't get them all and even though I got fucked over on my paying of rent I still am getting back almost a Grand so thats sweet. I am taking that with the money I have saved up now and I will be leaving soon enough. I was gonna leave for Washington but I backed out because I just couldn't really see myself as a lumberjack.haha but im thinking certainly somewhere north or midwest. I would really like to live in oregon or washington seriously but probably be weird not knowing anyone. Maybe I'll move to Omaha? I know what the next two tattoos is I will be getting and where. I am gonna get a phonograph for my best friend EJ who is dead, I actually went to his grave for the first time in almost a couple of years. I cried like a baby, hell I miss him and i dont care if that sounds gay.. to think about what we would be doing right now. I am sure be going to school for music and I would have someone I could trust and not worry about fucking me over. Really a good friend. The second tattoo im gonna get is the typewriter on Mineral EndSerenading cd.. I want to get both of them on each arm up top where the muscle is on the inner part. But yeah I hate it here, fucking dump. But I guess I am gonna go to Culinary school in Louisville if nothing else next semester. I would rather live in Louisville than here. Louisville is the 16th biggest City in The U.S. so its not bad. I actually really like Louisville.. but anyway im done now.

My hair is growing back and dyed my hair black again

I forgot how much I like American Beauty, but one of the many movies i will get back soon enough.. When I go get my stuff I cannot believe that Barack Hussein Obama wants another fucking trillion or so dollars and this is not even 2 weeks after getting basically a trillion for his so called "economic stimulus package" he is such a fucking prick. But anyway yeah man things are getting better for me. I am feeling better, I got a signed copy of Choke by Chuck, so that was pretty cool. I met someone that had two copies and they gave me one of them. So yeah that was pretty random, but anyway yeah umm.. I only did this cause I couldn't sleep and I am watching the Whole Series of Quantum Leap. I am on Season 3, only 2 more seasons to go after this. I think about this show and really thought it was a put together quite well for being the 80's early 90's. I know that I had a good conversation the other night about death and religion and it was pretty insightful it made me think about some things. I was wondering how everyones perception of God is different than anyone else. I mean like I know that it is but if maybe if you do see God and you come back if maybe its just your perception of him because if you really seen the truth form of God it would be too much of mesmerizing thing. I don't know really how to explain it right now. It is 5 oclock in the morning and I can't sleep. I need to go to bed. I could post a stupid video or a stupid anything else that makes wish I was so much happier than I really am. Im not going to though, I got better things to do. I have so many things that I have written lately taht so funny, I think I might go to school to be a writer for television or something. I don't know really what for sure, just know that I feel more inspired to do alot of things in the lst couple months than I have in a while. I am happy

KIND BUD... sick of scrapin resin, im looking for a sack

i hate how the word love is just thrown around. the word LOVE holds no value at all anymore to me. i have had these really bad stomach aches and stomach cramps lately. i have also had wicked bad anxiety, its been a while since i have felt this bad. anyway, smoking weed should alleviate that? did i spell that right... You k now cause the Chronic fixes everything. If smoked a joint right now i would probably kick myself in the balls.

30

I am so scared of growing old. I am getting really scared. I am getting sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care. I feel like my window of oppurtunity is closing, oh i need to remind myself about wanting to get my Cds back. I am going crazy without a few of them. I don't have them on my Zune. I am on gonna be thirty soon. thirty, that makes me lose my breath thinking about it. 30 years old.... I am also watching that movie Loser with Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari, I haven't seen it since I was 16... I honestly like this movie.. It makes me remember alot of different feelings. Feelings of so many endless possibilities

listening...

Yesterday I did something that I never thought would happen. Me and my other siblings got together and talked about our mom and what would happen if she would die. Who would take care of everything. We all are gonna play a part in it getting worked out. We also talked about the insurance that is on my mom in case something did happen for us. She told us this too because she says that she has started to get emphysema, I think is how you spell it. So we assume that she is sick and just isn't telling us either. She has talked alot lately about what would happen if she died. I think that she is miserable anyway, she is so spaced out and I feel so sorry for her. I love my mom alot.. I hate to sit and watch her suffer, she is just not there anymore almost. I hate that I have taken so many things for granted. I feel so fucking bad right now about my mom. it is just hard to believe that one day she isn't gonna be around, I don't like thinking about it. We talked about how if she got real bad that none of us kids would put her in a nursing home, that we would watch her like the way she did with my grandma. I don't want to think about my mom sitting suffering. I am really quitting smoking.. I don't want to hurt the people around me for my own stupidity.

Making out with people I hardly know or like....

I can't believe what I do late at night... I wanna know what it's like in the inside of love.

last night the moon was so bright and so big that you could see everything so clearly. it was beautiful. I seriously spent two hours staring out into space last night, thinking about many different things. I thought about how even though you may not be around you, that they are looking at the same thing you are looking at and then it doesn't seem so bad. IT seems like maybe things aren't so bad. Everything is slowly working it self out in some shape or form. I look at myself at what would be 2 months ago soon and think thatit's hard to believe how much different I have changed. I would like to think the better. I feel better, things get better, things change, people change, feelings change, people grow, etc. I think that I am getting closer and closer to be able to finally say that I am happy. I feel so stupid sometimes with some of the shit I say. Haha, blogging is very therapeutic?!!? I should just leave it at that. Oh my world was crushed today! Chris Brown supposedly beat a girl, that just broke my heart. I fucking think he is amazing.. IT makes me want to cry..

watched a movie and this came out.

im sure this is just gonna bite me in the ass. or its just gonna be something that i shouldn't say. i just got in one of those moods, where i just thought about how extremely beautiful you are. im sure you wont read this or even care. but despite what you may think of me i still love you. i dont want anything, just that to be known. i would like to talk like two people one day but even i know at this point thats asking alot. i don't know if i would really want it myself, probably best that i dont. but anyway, yeah ummm just hit me really hard about 15 minutes ago and i guess too, would it be out of line If did say I missed you? because i do. i do, i do, i do. and i know that you probably are happier now without me and seriously i am happy for you. but i know that you have to miss me, even just a litte. you know you miss me bitching about something really stupid. how you fucking went and almost hit that car in front of us and bitch about it for an hour..lol, i have totally came to realize that i did alot of dumb arguing. but im not saying i was the main problem but yes, i fucked it up. haha, its kinda funny now because i see how stupid i was at times. just life i guess, shit happens. but hope that all is well and i hope you are having a good time. take care

well it didnt work out.. i ended it and i thought it was for the best best. i didnt think it was fair to me or the other person. you know i do feel bad because they were a really nice person and you know maybe it was too much considering she would actually do something for me? you never know, i doubt it but you never know. i don't feel like its teh best idea for me to go rushing into something serious anyway. I am still having difficulty trusting. Hell I am getting ready to move next week too. So goodbye to this state again, thankfully... I am not mad at anyone at anything, just got out of something serious and i should wait. I don't know what I want anymore because I am unsure of it being the best idea. It would probably be best to wait. One thing I am sure about not happening is Barack's stupid stimulus package plan. but anyway, i chopped some wood yesterday so i could be all manly! it was alot harder than i imagine. The wood is a bitch. Then laid some tile down in a friends bathroom. I have to say i didn't feel like a totaly bum doing that stuff. Anyway, need to figure out my tax information because yeah its important. I do not know whwa they took money for a work week working in rs. Because it was almost 200 dollars every pay check. Fed was only 160 out and state was the same. So I am not expecting any money back,oh well. boredom, clearly just woke up and I am really bored. Yeah Goodbye Sky Harbor, is a classic.

Please don't lie, don't lie to me
that you're not afraid, my love.
I know you well enough to know
you can't be alone.

If you were to roll, to roll down your window
you'd find the wind, the ice, the trees
that sway like skeletons outside.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Please don't fight, don't fight with me
and fold your arms like it's the end.
Can you smell the sweetness of the soil and snow in the wind?

So we're lost, we're lost out here on the plains, my love.
It's only wind and ice and trees that wave from above.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

When the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

Don't lie
Don't cry
It's over
It's only the leaves, the trees
I'll never leave you alone
In this car
In the dark, with the air getting so much colder.
It's so clear outside here, in the moon and winter air.

But when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

When the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs.

The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence.
The cold, the dark and the silence...

The plans I made still have you in them

I do not care to say this but the first album third eye blind ever released is definetely one of the best albums of all time. I still love it after 12 years of listening to it.. Especially the last three, Background, motorcycle driveby, and God of Wine.
Everything is quiet since youre not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before
I walk haight street to the store
And they say wheres that crazy girl
You dont get drunk on red wine and fight no more
I dont see you anymore since the hospital
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Im in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat
I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets
And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Cause I felt you long after we were through
Well you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel to you
I only know because
Im way Im way in the background
Im in the background

This Present Darkness

I used to love this stupid music. I don't know if it is about the book or what, but I got the book about a week ago and started reading it and it made me think of this stupid band. enjoy

Seriously?

Seriously?

Oh yeah well today I had thought about the Patriot Act and how the Government is so corrupt. They do not allow you the oppurtunity to be at their level. You think of how scary it is really. to think 95 percent of the troops voted for Mccain. To think that we have people saying that Obama was a good choice. how now that obama is wanting to get rid of our right to bear arms. I think it's really fucking scary, we are going to have a revolt if we do not watch it. I think that half the troops would do what they are told and the other half will be against alone with the civilians that are against it as well. We are taking the right away from every human being to protect yourself. I keep getting these fucked up visions of war on our own country, like a civil war again. We have to worry about Afghansitan and Iraq, we are over there for a good reason. We are not there to get fucking oil, we are there to let normal people like you and I the chance to live freely, without fear. We are also there for our planes to be closer to China. I think there is much more than what we are really even giving credit. it has absolutely nothing to do with it. I am so fucking freaked out at the moment. I know that these things are probably far from happening, but its a good possibility. We have rights taken away with the patriot act anyway, its fucked up. We are not free, we are far from ok. So much I want to say about it but I got a million things going at once, I will say it later when I am more level headed. It has all hit me and its so scary. Think it the Chinese run our land and we have all of our weapons gone and on top of that we have a war within our own troops. Are you ready? I am ready for Obama to fuck it all up!

I felt better these last few days. I know that I deserve more than what I have given myself. I am more than I said about myself. I like me, I just got lost for a little bit. I think I am "badass". Man I don't know what else to say cause its not that big of a deal. Anyway yeah, I am feeling alot better. I am not saying I feel like I am figuring things out. Yeah, we shall see.

a new bed.

I like this, I like it, doesn't mean that you have to or should. if you want to leave me comments of how good or bad it is, how original or unoriginal it is thats fine. I will try to not to get offended.
I spend most days in this bed that I abuse, on these pillows that you can't get used to. I spend entire days putting off that which cant wait, until the new to you. In my own ways.and I think that Im justified, cause Ive seen whats trying's done to those that try. I spend most days in this bed too small for two. displacing time, like i've got it to lose. i spend endless days thinking of all the different ways that weve made love. and i think that im justified, cause ive seen what livings done for those alive.... little to none. I spend tired days too small for two, on these pillows you can't get used to and thats why I dont sleep at night. and thats why I dont feel right in this shitty town. Its more than you...

Job's Eyes

At One Time Upon Our Lives, we will look upon a loved who is need and probably ask this question, "We are willing to help, Lord" but what if anything is needed? For it is true we can rarely help those closest to us, either we don't know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not the part that we give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know elude us, but we can still love them. We can love completely without completely understanding. For there is nothing wrong with giving. You know that no matter what you do is never going to be enough. But that doesn't mean that you stop. You can and never will stop loving someone just because. I read something earlier today that made me think about this. The Lord Bestows Favor And Honor; No Good Thing Does He Withhold.. I feel that I am a leader, I feel that I need to be a leader by example. I think that I can and will do some things important. I need to only wait and ask what it is that is needed of me. You must have hope in God when you are being punished for sin. God watches over his people. "I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction"

I want you all to know that everything I said in the past that was negative and bad about anyone I didn't mean. I really am thinking of all the mean things I said and I am really sorry for that. I guess I felt if everyone else can talk about me then I can say mean things about them. I had no right and neither did you. I especially don't think anything bad about Abigail. I know that she will probably never forgive me or care about me and that sucks to think that she will hold this against me. I am only human, we all make mistakes. For me The insults, the rejection, and the fact that i feltlike i never meant anything played a part. People make mistakes. I made a big mistake. I guess I should let people talk bad about me and think nothing of everything I did the last year. I can't blame her though, honestly. I shouldn't have been thinking that we meant nothing. At one time we meant everything. We probably don't anymore to her. But I know she means alot to me. I am really trying to make amends for the things I did the last bit. I am not saying that I was right or wrong about everything, it doesn't matter anymore. It is in the past. I am only human and I had my moments of "what was I doing?" and "what was I thinking?" I have alot of those the last few weeks. Ahh, forget it... It isn't like I can say or do anything now to really fix it. I am only human. Regardless of how things play which will most definetely not be like a movie. It isn't like I can go with a sign saying " I LOVE YOU" and then go steal a limo and have a dozen roses and a big Heart Choclate with a bottle of champagne to win her back. If I did that I am sure it isn't like If I said something epic, something really truly poetic and truthful to win her back it would work. Life is not like the movies, I am not no Clooney or Pitt or something. I am a Chris Farley, it wouldn't be taken seriously and it would really just be a big joke. Next scene show me getting cuffed and thrown in jail or something. If life was like the movies, in my efforts to try to redeem or save myself would've worked by now. When someone says "leave me alone I don't want to talk to you ever again" they mean it. When someone says that they "hate you and they have no respect for you" they mean it. It isn't someone trying to be subtle. They really have no respect for you and they don't think about you at all anymore. I am not complaining. I am only stating the obvious. I am not trying to hold on to something that isn't there. I know at one time when she would look at me and kiss me and tell me she loved me she meant it. she doesn't anymore and thats fine. I will settle for the Farley Role and I will be just fine and dandy. I would like to talk still and be friends, but I can't make someone do something they don't want to. I know that better than anyone else. You cannot do that. You cannot make someone love you just because thats what you want. I pushed and pushed until she is completely gone out of my life. The person that I was acting like needs to be punched in the balls. I pushed away the most important person to me at the time. The guy I acted like wasn't me at all. I am spontaneous, witty, funny, outgoing, talkative. I am totally not the guy I was. I want you all to know I am sorry for the mean things I had said about you and her. I hope that you can forgive me. If you want to continue to say mean things about me then thats fine. I can't make you say something you don't want to. I want you all to know that I am heartbroken, but I will get over it over time. I will always love abby. I will try to respect her wishes and give her space, even though it would be really nice to talk. I miss her alot. Today is also what would have been a year. I am not holding on. There is nothing to hold on to. It is over and probably over forever. I just wanted to say this. I had alot more written but this dial up connection didn't save it. Oh well I am sure no one will really read these anyway. BYE

1000 miles from nowhere.

I just bought Burn After Reading, Pineapple Express, Neil Young Heart Of Gold, and Dwight Yoakam. Burn After Reading is probably one of the best movies of 08'. I don't see anything wrong with that movie. I really enjoyed it. Nothing goes better with a broken heart than some Neil and some Dwight either.

hi?

I am Mr. Self Destruct. I take something already bad, making it much much worse. I am unhappy with my actions the last few weeks. I cannot believe the things I have done
in my life. I do not regret the last year of my life. I only regret the last few weeks. I acted really immature. I know that for me trying to fix things physically, really only made things worse. I wanted to show that I cared but really all I should've done is show that I cared by not doing or saying anything at all. I should've made that known to myself. It is like I did know, just wouldn't listen. I hate knowing that I am just disappearing. I guess? Anyway, I am worried about the future. I am about worried about my life right now. I am worried about how I portrayed myself. I made myself look like the scary villian that everyone hopes die in the final scene of a movie. I wouldn't ever hurt anyone, or do anything to harm anyone. I wasn't trying to do that. I wasn't trying to be forceful, I was selfish in wanting a better ending for me. I was only trying to end things on a better scale, but all I did was make things much worse. All I want is happiness for you and I even though I haven't shown that. I am really truly embarrassed in my actions. I cannot believe I did that to myself. I guess if I wanted to make myself feel justified in my actions, I could say that a broken heart makes you do stupid stuff sometimes. But really I don't want to make myself feel better for how I acted. I want to know that what I did was wrong. It was wrong. I shouldn't have forced myself into situations the way I did. I was truly selfish in how I had acted. I didn't go all the way back to minnesota to just see her. I really only went to my things. But while I was there I got it into my head that I came this far, please just let things go and see me. But I didn't need to do that. I should've respected the fact that she didn't want to see me regardless of how far it was. It was just a thousand miles. No big deal. I respect her, I just at times show I don't care by doing selfish things. I had a week of closure. I took that week and ruined it, along with the last two days. But one can only take so many insults, so on, til he wants to defend myself. All the negative things I have said I didn't mean any of them. I was only angry. I really thought that I meant more is all. I know I made a lot of mistakes but still I tried, everything I did was for the both of us. I feel like everything that has been said and all the things that happened had a mockery of the last year. Of course I am gonna get upset. I feel like NO ONE respected me. I am not a desperate guy, I am independent human. I wanted to feel something more than nothing. I wanted to feel like our relationship wasn't a lie. I never wanted to be a dick. No one should've been worrying about me harming anyone or anything. If you really knew me you would know I wouldn't do that. I hate people making me out like a monster. I am not. I will move on. I know that I have alot to offer. I lost myself for a bit, lost myself in a lot of things. Im just a happy kid, stuck with the mind of a sad punk perhaps. I have been working on myself. I am going to forget about alot of things for a while. My actions show me as a weak, desperate person. But I know now what I did was wrong. I never felt justified in any of my actions. I was being selfish. That is really all I can say about it. SELFISH.But even after my little fiasco I would still like to think that you will know it wasn't me and still be able to remember me in a positive way. I was being very irrational. I hope that within time I can show my respect and my love for you the way I had shown you when things were good. I will find myself again. I have came to the conclusion that I haven't felt like the same guy as before the last few years when I had that car accident. I think because I lost alot of faith in God. I was trying to go away from him even when I thought I was trying. I found my old Teen Study Bible the other day and I read alot of stuff that made me feel good. I know that I must be faithful and follow God in order to have my prayers answered. I don't need to have selfish prayers. Colossians I wrote that when I was younger that everyone has a spirtiual gift from God. I do know I feel better knowing that I have been trying to restore my faith. When I was younger I had alot of faith and was very interested in my beliefs. I can remember me when I was a kid I either wanted to be a lawyer or a preacher. haha, well I am not saying that I am doing either one, but I know that I must make myself happy and I must forgive and I must believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason. I feel like I have been given so many oppurtunities that were great and all I did was throw them away. I will no longer take things for granted. I will not take my life for granted. Today would have been a year that we would have been together a year. It is weird to think that a year has already went by that fast. I want to think that maybe one day we will find ourselves again. That we will be happy. I want to that hopefully one day in the future we can be friends or maybe if seen fit what we once were. I believe that God has a plan for you and I. Perhaps it was just a little detour, I am not living in denial, I am not living with the hops for us to get back together. I just feel we met for a purpose it may or may not be to be in a relationship. It may or may not be nothing more than a "cautionary tale" for people who meet on the internet. I just want to think that once everything is put aside we will be able to put the negatives aside and be able to grow up. I will always love Abby regardless. I will never stop loving someone that I care about as much as I did her. I know that I am finding myself. I feel so much better this last little bit.I lost a part of me in Oct 05' when I had that car accident. I found the old me, the one with ambition, goals, fun, love, happiness, faith, gifted, etc etc. person I am. I believe that maybe this was needed to show me that. I am not desperate. I am hopeful.

I wish that you could put your ear to my heart and hear how much I love you