I want you all to know that everything I said in the past that was negative and bad about anyone I didn't mean. I really am thinking of all the mean things I said and I am really sorry for that. I guess I felt if everyone else can talk about me then I can say mean things about them. I had no right and neither did you. I especially don't think anything bad about Abigail. I know that she will probably never forgive me or care about me and that sucks to think that she will hold this against me. I am only human, we all make mistakes. For me The insults, the rejection, and the fact that i feltlike i never meant anything played a part. People make mistakes. I made a big mistake. I guess I should let people talk bad about me and think nothing of everything I did the last year. I can't blame her though, honestly. I shouldn't have been thinking that we meant nothing. At one time we meant everything. We probably don't anymore to her. But I know she means alot to me. I am really trying to make amends for the things I did the last bit. I am not saying that I was right or wrong about everything, it doesn't matter anymore. It is in the past. I am only human and I had my moments of "what was I doing?" and "what was I thinking?" I have alot of those the last few weeks. Ahh, forget it... It isn't like I can say or do anything now to really fix it. I am only human. Regardless of how things play which will most definetely not be like a movie. It isn't like I can go with a sign saying " I LOVE YOU" and then go steal a limo and have a dozen roses and a big Heart Choclate with a bottle of champagne to win her back. If I did that I am sure it isn't like If I said something epic, something really truly poetic and truthful to win her back it would work. Life is not like the movies, I am not no Clooney or Pitt or something. I am a Chris Farley, it wouldn't be taken seriously and it would really just be a big joke. Next scene show me getting cuffed and thrown in jail or something. If life was like the movies, in my efforts to try to redeem or save myself would've worked by now. When someone says "leave me alone I don't want to talk to you ever again" they mean it. When someone says that they "hate you and they have no respect for you" they mean it. It isn't someone trying to be subtle. They really have no respect for you and they don't think about you at all anymore. I am not complaining. I am only stating the obvious. I am not trying to hold on to something that isn't there. I know at one time when she would look at me and kiss me and tell me she loved me she meant it. she doesn't anymore and thats fine. I will settle for the Farley Role and I will be just fine and dandy. I would like to talk still and be friends, but I can't make someone do something they don't want to. I know that better than anyone else. You cannot do that. You cannot make someone love you just because thats what you want. I pushed and pushed until she is completely gone out of my life. The person that I was acting like needs to be punched in the balls. I pushed away the most important person to me at the time. The guy I acted like wasn't me at all. I am spontaneous, witty, funny, outgoing, talkative. I am totally not the guy I was. I want you all to know I am sorry for the mean things I had said about you and her. I hope that you can forgive me. If you want to continue to say mean things about me then thats fine. I can't make you say something you don't want to. I want you all to know that I am heartbroken, but I will get over it over time. I will always love abby. I will try to respect her wishes and give her space, even though it would be really nice to talk. I miss her alot. Today is also what would have been a year. I am not holding on. There is nothing to hold on to. It is over and probably over forever. I just wanted to say this. I had alot more written but this dial up connection didn't save it. Oh well I am sure no one will really read these anyway. BYE