hi?

I am Mr. Self Destruct. I take something already bad, making it much much worse. I am unhappy with my actions the last few weeks. I cannot believe the things I have done
in my life. I do not regret the last year of my life. I only regret the last few weeks. I acted really immature. I know that for me trying to fix things physically, really only made things worse. I wanted to show that I cared but really all I should've done is show that I cared by not doing or saying anything at all. I should've made that known to myself. It is like I did know, just wouldn't listen. I hate knowing that I am just disappearing. I guess? Anyway, I am worried about the future. I am about worried about my life right now. I am worried about how I portrayed myself. I made myself look like the scary villian that everyone hopes die in the final scene of a movie. I wouldn't ever hurt anyone, or do anything to harm anyone. I wasn't trying to do that. I wasn't trying to be forceful, I was selfish in wanting a better ending for me. I was only trying to end things on a better scale, but all I did was make things much worse. All I want is happiness for you and I even though I haven't shown that. I am really truly embarrassed in my actions. I cannot believe I did that to myself. I guess if I wanted to make myself feel justified in my actions, I could say that a broken heart makes you do stupid stuff sometimes. But really I don't want to make myself feel better for how I acted. I want to know that what I did was wrong. It was wrong. I shouldn't have forced myself into situations the way I did. I was truly selfish in how I had acted. I didn't go all the way back to minnesota to just see her. I really only went to my things. But while I was there I got it into my head that I came this far, please just let things go and see me. But I didn't need to do that. I should've respected the fact that she didn't want to see me regardless of how far it was. It was just a thousand miles. No big deal. I respect her, I just at times show I don't care by doing selfish things. I had a week of closure. I took that week and ruined it, along with the last two days. But one can only take so many insults, so on, til he wants to defend myself. All the negative things I have said I didn't mean any of them. I was only angry. I really thought that I meant more is all. I know I made a lot of mistakes but still I tried, everything I did was for the both of us. I feel like everything that has been said and all the things that happened had a mockery of the last year. Of course I am gonna get upset. I feel like NO ONE respected me. I am not a desperate guy, I am independent human. I wanted to feel something more than nothing. I wanted to feel like our relationship wasn't a lie. I never wanted to be a dick. No one should've been worrying about me harming anyone or anything. If you really knew me you would know I wouldn't do that. I hate people making me out like a monster. I am not. I will move on. I know that I have alot to offer. I lost myself for a bit, lost myself in a lot of things. Im just a happy kid, stuck with the mind of a sad punk perhaps. I have been working on myself. I am going to forget about alot of things for a while. My actions show me as a weak, desperate person. But I know now what I did was wrong. I never felt justified in any of my actions. I was being selfish. That is really all I can say about it. SELFISH.But even after my little fiasco I would still like to think that you will know it wasn't me and still be able to remember me in a positive way. I was being very irrational. I hope that within time I can show my respect and my love for you the way I had shown you when things were good. I will find myself again. I have came to the conclusion that I haven't felt like the same guy as before the last few years when I had that car accident. I think because I lost alot of faith in God. I was trying to go away from him even when I thought I was trying. I found my old Teen Study Bible the other day and I read alot of stuff that made me feel good. I know that I must be faithful and follow God in order to have my prayers answered. I don't need to have selfish prayers. Colossians I wrote that when I was younger that everyone has a spirtiual gift from God. I do know I feel better knowing that I have been trying to restore my faith. When I was younger I had alot of faith and was very interested in my beliefs. I can remember me when I was a kid I either wanted to be a lawyer or a preacher. haha, well I am not saying that I am doing either one, but I know that I must make myself happy and I must forgive and I must believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason. I feel like I have been given so many oppurtunities that were great and all I did was throw them away. I will no longer take things for granted. I will not take my life for granted. Today would have been a year that we would have been together a year. It is weird to think that a year has already went by that fast. I want to think that maybe one day we will find ourselves again. That we will be happy. I want to that hopefully one day in the future we can be friends or maybe if seen fit what we once were. I believe that God has a plan for you and I. Perhaps it was just a little detour, I am not living in denial, I am not living with the hops for us to get back together. I just feel we met for a purpose it may or may not be to be in a relationship. It may or may not be nothing more than a "cautionary tale" for people who meet on the internet. I just want to think that once everything is put aside we will be able to put the negatives aside and be able to grow up. I will always love Abby regardless. I will never stop loving someone that I care about as much as I did her. I know that I am finding myself. I feel so much better this last little bit.I lost a part of me in Oct 05' when I had that car accident. I found the old me, the one with ambition, goals, fun, love, happiness, faith, gifted, etc etc. person I am. I believe that maybe this was needed to show me that. I am not desperate. I am hopeful.