If there could be a way to turn off the way i feel about things i would do it. if i could take away every negative thought i would. it would be nice to not be me for a day. it would be nice to feel like everyone is out to get me, my paranoia is too much to handle. you know for me having people my whole life telling me good things about myself. it wasnt very often, it was usually always negative comments. i was never good enough for anything. i wish i could turn off who i am, but i cant. it is gonna take alot of work. for someone that can certainly give out alot of criticism, i sure as hell can't take it, but really who can? everyone wants to be a critic. you know it would be nice to not always have a bad thought it my head. I always think of what could go wrong, what is wrong even if it is nothing that big. I am never satisfied with anything, including myself. im never gonna be that guy that is good at doing anything. i have always been told that i am shit, so i am going to think that unless i try to do something about it. this is not negative like it might seem, i am trying to show myself that i don't need to be like this anymore. anyway, i am broke. My birthday is coming up, I would like to do something nice and get alot of cool things, but it doesn't matter if i don't. I just want to be happy. It isn't gonna be a big party, i don't have any friends still. haha, its funny but oh well, I guess I did that to myself. I thought that I was good at meeting new people but I guess I need a little more practice. Just the thought of being able to have people care about it and get some nice gifts and stuff seems to far away. I really truly would like to just give myself something good which is to stop being so negative. But man what if? This really isn't negative even if it sounds like it. I am not calling anybody anything. I can't blame anyone or anything for their actions. But I can think about being home and having friends and family caring and celebrating another year. I have the best gift ever. That is to be with Abby. That is best thing that I could have ever asked for.