listening...

Yesterday I did something that I never thought would happen. Me and my other siblings got together and talked about our mom and what would happen if she would die. Who would take care of everything. We all are gonna play a part in it getting worked out. We also talked about the insurance that is on my mom in case something did happen for us. She told us this too because she says that she has started to get emphysema, I think is how you spell it. So we assume that she is sick and just isn't telling us either. She has talked alot lately about what would happen if she died. I think that she is miserable anyway, she is so spaced out and I feel so sorry for her. I love my mom alot.. I hate to sit and watch her suffer, she is just not there anymore almost. I hate that I have taken so many things for granted. I feel so fucking bad right now about my mom. it is just hard to believe that one day she isn't gonna be around, I don't like thinking about it. We talked about how if she got real bad that none of us kids would put her in a nursing home, that we would watch her like the way she did with my grandma. I don't want to think about my mom sitting suffering. I am really quitting smoking.. I don't want to hurt the people around me for my own stupidity.